What Exactly Is Ethical Non-Monogamy – And What’s The Best Way To Approach It?
“My boyfriend was in a play where he had to kiss the female lead on stage. Instead of being jealous and insecure, I was enthusiastic. I kept trying to befriend her.” Leanne Yau is recalling her first feelings of curiosity surrounding ethical non-monogamy – or ENM – aged 17. Now 25, she’s a polyamory educator and founder of @polyphiliablog, where she shares her own highs and lows of navigating ENM relationships – while also poking fun at the all-too-common misconceptions surrounding the lifestyle.
ENM broadly refers to the practice of engaging in multiple relationships simultaneously, with the consent of everyone concerned. For the uninitiated, the spectrum of relationships and various terminology may seem daunting – from ‘unicorn’ – AKA a third party brought into a couple for sex – to ‘fluid bonding’ (barrier-free sex). But that is not to say that ENM is only about sexual relationships. Far from it, polyamory, for example, has multiple forms, from hierarchical to non-hierarchical or solo. Each varies, but essentially is defined as a relationship with one or more consenting partners, with often an emphasis on emotional connection, not just sexual need. On the other hand, an open relationship lets consenting partners sleep with people outside of the relationship. ‘Monogamish’ can describe couples who want to have occasional sexual encounters but overall remain monogamous. And some burn the book entirely with relationship anarchy, where labels of any sort, whether platonic or romantic, are null and void.
As a lifestyle choice, ENM is becoming increasingly more mainstream. There was the January release of The New York Times bestseller More: A Memoir of Open Marriage by Molly Roden Winter, and articles on the topic from The Atlantic to New York Magazine and Dazed. Celebrities including Bella Thorne, Willow Smith and Yungblud have spoken recently about their ENM relationships. A 2024 study found 15% of people aged 18-24 in the UK described themselves as open-minded about open relationships, while one in six single Americans reported an interest in polyamory.
Psychologist Dr Louise Styles is a specialist in gender, sex and relationship diversity in Devon, UK. With 25 years’ experience, she has helped many neurodivergent and neurotypical patients to navigate relationship issues, including ethical non-monogamy, LGBTQIA+ identity and/or alternative sexual interests.
She explains that ENM can be a positive and fulfilling lifestyle choice – providing it’s approached correctly with the full consent of both partners.
“Imagine you have an amazing partner,” explains Dr Styles. “They are perfect in every way, except you are an avid climber, and they hate climbing heights. So you have a choice: if you’re 100% committed to this person, then don’t go climbing or indulge that side of yourself. In reality, you would find friends who love climbing and feel fulfilled, as it’s a special part of your life. But you go home to your partner, and you love the partner just the same, but you’re having that need fulfilled by having those friends you can indulge that part of yourself with. In an LGBTQIA+ context, Bisexuality doesn’t necessarily mean committing to a single gender forever, and some might want to indulge both sides of their sexuality.”
However, she acknowledges the social taboos that still surround non-monogamy for many. “You’re told you are supposed to be monogamous, to get married and have babies,” she says. “The narrative we are taught as we grow up relates non-monogamy as equal to infidelity or loose morals.” Not to mention the stigma attached to LGBTQIA+ individuals who might be interested in exploring. “In that group, there can be a lot of judgement because they’ve fought for so long to have marriage equality,” she adds. “This can be challenging as it seems to go against progress in achieving equal rights and recognition.”
Yau – who uses her platform to break down these taboos surrounding non-monogamous relationships – didn’t end up acting on her ENM curiosity with her actor boyfriend, but she explains why it felt like the right choice for her when a subsequent relationship became long distance. “We didn’t want to break up, cheat or resent each other, so opening up made sense,” she says.
While Dr Styles is keen to highlight the positives of ENM, she stresses that it should not be seen as a solution to unresolved issues within a partnership. “In monogamous relationships, people often encounter challenges and believe that transitioning to a non-monogamous set-up will solve their problems,” she says. “The truth is quite the opposite. Establishing a solid foundation within your relationship is crucial before shifting to non-monogamy.”
Yau agrees. When she started her journey, she rejected hierarchy (the belief that one relationship should have priority over others) and opted for an open relationship style. However, looking back, she describes it as “somewhat messy”. “I lacked the patience I should have had with my first partner.” she says. “I didn’t struggle with jealousy as much as he did, I feel like the initial challenge was supporting my partner without being a d*ck about it.”
Yau has since figured out what works for her: navigating multiple relationships, each spanning a few years. “Polyamory was the right fit,” she says. “The relationship style invites the most fluidity. In other forms of non-monogamy, the emphasis often revolves around having a primary romantic partner and adhering to rigid rules to protect the connection. Polyamory offers more flexibility.”
If you are curious about ENM but unsure how to broach the idea with a partner, Dr Styles suggests bringing it up with care. “The first thing is to ask them what they think of the concept before fully committing,” she cautions. “Being interested in the subject without saying, ‘I would like to change everything,’ because change is scary and can be threatening.”
Dr Styles advises that being open-minded, avoiding judgment, showing empathy, honestly sharing feelings and thoughts and seeking professional guidance with a knowledgeable counsellor. “The more people I meet, the more I learned that it’s not a specific type of person who wants to be non-monogamous. It can be for anybody.”
Psychologist Dr Louise Styles’ 5-Step Guide To Exploring ENM
1. Educate yourself – “Learn everything there is to know about the terminology, the history of it, other people that are into ENM, and how it can go wrong. Learning about the various forms of non-monogamy is crucial. Understanding the spectrum of non-monogamous relationships can help identify what resonates with a couple’s needs and values and dispel common myths and misconceptions.” Dr Styles suggests reading books such as The Ethical Slut by Janet W Hardy and Dossie Easton, Polysecure by Jessica Fern, The Anxious Person’s Guide To Non-Monogamy by Lola Phoenix, Rewriting The Rules by Meg-John Barker and Polyamory and Jealousy: A More Than Two Essentials Guide by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert. You can also visit Dr Styles for further guidance.
2. Communicate – “In transitioning from monogamy to non-monogamy, communication is paramount. You should always maintain an open and honest dialogue about desires, fears, and expectations. Stay curious and ask questions, fostering a safe space where both partners feel heard and understood. Ongoing communication is important, as needs and boundaries may evolve.”
3. Set Boundaries – “Boundaries are essential. But the trouble is, most people don’t know what their boundaries are to start with. They want to please their partner and go along with what they want to try. Then they realise once something’s happened, they hate it and they’re agitated and feel like the relationships are being damaged. So that’s a difficult one. So I would say start very, very slowly, not immediately rushing into a sexual relationship with a third person. Setting and respecting boundaries is critical to any relationship, especially non-monogamous ones. These boundaries can range from physical limits to emotional ones. Couples need to have clear discussions about what is acceptable and what isn’t, and to review and adjust these boundaries as needed regularly.
4. Prepare emotionally – “Transitioning to non-monogamy can bring up intense emotions, such as jealousy, insecurity and fear of loss. It is important to explore these feelings openly and consider their sources. Individuals need to work on their emotional responses, and partners can support each other through these challenges.”
5. Understand consent – “In all interactions, whether within the primary relationship or with external partners, consent is key. This goes beyond sexual consent to include emotional and psychological consent regarding the boundaries and structure of the relationship.”
Jamie Styles is Digital Editorial Assistant at Service95
