In Need Of Relationship Advice? These Social Media Dating Coaches Might Just Hold The Answer
During the late ’90s, magazines such as Cosmo Girl and Seventeen offered windows into the adult world for many pre-internet teens. But while the takes on culture and fashion between those neon-hued covers are now the stuff of retro nostalgia, the dating advice from the glossies hasn’t aged well. Headlines like ‘How To Please Him’ frequently appeared alongside personality-squashing quizzes such as ‘Do You Put Boys Off?’ – negatively colouring an entire generation’s view of love and romance.
While attitudes may have moved on, the idea of ‘easy’ dating and relationship fixes – most of which have nothing to do with addressing real-life issues – is as popular as ever on TikTok and Instagram. This gap between glossy expectations and the hard reality of working on yourself is what led entrepreneur and dating coach Sabrina Zohar to start creating online content.
“All we [saw] growing up was ‘What are you doing wrong?’ and ‘How to satisfy him sexually’,” says Zohar. “Everything was about how you are making somebody else happy… There was never an empowerment to be a strong woman. [But] if somebody doesn’t like you, that’s OK!”
Zohar’s matter-of-fact videos, equal parts tough love and caring older sister, are the kind of guidance she was looking for when she realised clickbait content was not serving her. Her insights have also spawned a podcast (Do The Work, with over 70 episodes) and an eight-week course of the same name, aimed at helping people to get over their dating anxieties.
Welcome to the new school of social media dating coaches. Alongside Zohar, influencers including Anna Kai and Jeff Guenther have amassed massive followings by dispensing relatable advice that connects love and dating to broader questions of quality of life, goals and who you are as a person outside of your relationships.
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Kai went viral in September 2022 under the handle @maybeboth, with a video of her doing her makeup while talking about dating – now a signature of her content. Through her invented vernacular, where undateable men are ‘Chads’ and her audience are referred to as ‘Biddies’, she recounts true and semi-true stories from her own life, which usually include a mic drop (or makeup brush drop) moment at the end. She’s not surprised that her stories of struggling to recognise her own value while navigating the New York City dating scene resonate so deeply with her audience of 1.3 million. As she puts it, dating in the digital era has amplified the potentially damaging belief that we’re one date away from solving it all.
“We’re always looking for the answer to all our problems,” says Kai. “As somebody who used to think like that, and then met the guy that was supposed to solve all my problems (my husband), I realised that getting into a relationship solves nothing other than the fact that you’re now in a relationship. This relationship allowed me the space to take time away from worrying about being in a relationship and realise how neurotic I am!”
Self-awareness of what you bring to a relationship is a good start – something that forms the basis of each of these influencers’ content. However, as Guenther points out, no matter how healing it can feel to have helpful advice appear in our timelines, social media is not therapy.
His journey into the world of Instagram and TikTok as @therapyjeff began during the pandemic. He has since amassed 1 million Instagram followers, yet even with his forthcoming book Big Dating Energy and podcasts Big Dating Energy and Problem Solved!, he emphasises that while the platform has allowed him to unpack everything from his own tenuous relationship with his mother to polyamory, sometimes you do need one-on-one, professional guidance.
“If [content] gets you thinking about what your own issues are and you feel seen, or you feel like the content that I create is just the tip of the iceberg, usually there’s so much more to explore there,” he says. “Therapy is going to be amazing for you because there are so many personal things to dig into. If you’re wanting to do some real deep dives, that’s when you might contact a professional.”
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Perhaps the rise of dating influencers can be attributed to one of the reasons we all love scrolling: a sense of connection. While the digital era has ushered forth the belief that dating is an endless buffet, the algorithm is bringing people together and reminding us that when it comes to our fears surrounding dating, we are not alone in our need to value ourselves as much as we value the idea of romance.
“For years, I thought I was a snowflake,” says Zohar of her own dating anxieties. “You’re surrounded by pop culture that affirms that [when] someone’s not pleasing you, walk away. But you’re like, ‘I can’t walk away! [So] there’s something wrong with me.’”
She decries “snake oil salesmen” online selling advice such as, ‘If a guy hasn’t text you, text him this’: “It’s like, what are we doing to our mental health? If a guy isn’t texting you, maybe we should stop to look at what’s happening with you [internally and emotionally] versus blaming somebody else. I think this conversation is missing. So, I’m just gonna double down and be authentic. Do I piss people off? Absolutely. Triggers will do that.”
5 Social Media Dating Coaches To Follow
- @therapyjeff – Part-therapist, part close friend, Jeff gives practical (and sometimes brutal) advice, but with kindness.
- @do.the.work.podcast – For tough love that you do need to hear.
- @maybeboth – Anna Kai talks through the red flags in her past relationships so you can avoid them in future.
- @dateyourselfinstead – Relationship advice from your virtual big sister.
- @zoecrooktherapy – One for if you love an Instagram quote – heartfelt advice from a qualified therapist.
Laura Studarus is a Los Angeles-based travel journalist who has written for BBC, Thrillist, Vice and Marie Claire
