Are You In A Wage Gap Relationship? Here’s How To Navigate It
Pop culture tells us all kinds of things about money and our relationship with it: that ‘it makes the world go round’ and ‘it’s a rich man’s world’. But how does it impact the dynamic of our dating life, especially if our partner or love interest earns significantly more or less than we do? Welcome to the world of wage gap relationships.
The podcast The Cost of Loving revealed that, in a recent survey, 48% of women said that they wouldn’t be comfortable entering into a relationship with someone who earns less than them, whereas two thirds of men reported feeling fine about dating someone on a lower salary. Is this wage gap dynamic a hangover from traditional gender roles? What about the progress that’s been made towards equality in recent decades?
The overall UK gender pay gap continues to fall, down by 0.4% to 11.8% in the past year (in 2001, it was 20.7%), while last year the US the gap hit an all-time low of 15.5%. Women now hold almost 30% of C-suite positions in the US, up from 17% in 2015. Yet while the gap is slowly closing, it still very much exists, proving the historical foundations of inequality will take a lot longer to escape.
“Given how recent the advancements are in women’s access to money – women couldn’t even open a bank account in their own name until 1975 – the expectations of traditional gender roles can still be present in [heterosexual] relationships,” explains UK-based sex and relationship therapist Madalaine Munro.
And regardless of gender, earnings can be closely linked to a person’s self-worth, and a gap between partners can therefore “exacerbate feelings of inadequacy, making individuals feel they are not ‘enough’ for a partner”, according to Munro. “Beyond traditional gender roles, it is a deeply personal and vulnerable topic that can evoke shame and fear of judgment. It is linked to security and safety, and our relationship with money is shaped by our attachment strategies, with subconscious beliefs formed before the age of seven.
“As a result, discussions about finances can be inherently triggering and activate nervous system responses that we may not even be aware of. These responses might include avoiding conversations about money, overspending when feeling anxious about finances, or struggling to adhere to a budget. Since money is rarely discussed openly, we may remain unaware of these patterns until we enter a relationship or encounter specific financial hardships.”
So it’s not surprising that a wage gap might trigger certain insecurities in a relationship. For Londoner Scarlett*, 31, her reluctance to date someone who earns significantly less than her doesn’t come from a commitment to traditional gender roles, but the expectation to live (and share) a certain lifestyle.
“I wouldn’t want to date someone who doesn’t earn very much,” she says. “Just because I have a certain standard of living I want to maintain. I grew up with no money and wouldn’t want that for my future.”
Whatever side of a wage gap you might be on in a relationship, and whether or not it bothers you, it’s important to acknowledge the power dynamics at play, and how it could potentially impact your relationship.
For instance, Paula*, 32, in Vancouver, earns double the salary of her partner Jack – she works in sales and he is a business analyst. “He says it doesn’t bother him, but I think it does a little,” she says. “Sometimes he feels under pressure to keep up with the things I want to do – I’ve had to adjust my expectations.” Paula adds that while their policy is that bills are split 50/50, she admits to paying more, including for some expenses her partner doesn’t know about.
This leads to feelings of tension, particularly when it comes to savings: “I sometimes resent him when he spends all of his money without saving any,” she says.
The ingrained societal norm that a male heterosexual partner should be the ‘breadwinner’, weighs heavily on Paula at times. “I sometimes stress about having a family,” she admits, adding that if they do have children, she wouldn’t necessarily want him to stay home with them – even though it might make financial sense for him to do so.
While wage gap politics can cause issues in heterosexual relationships, Eliza, 33, says she and her wife of 12 years – who have each out-earned the other at different stages in their careers – have always enjoyed financial equilibrium. “I don’t think people in same-sex female couples see [money] as a sticking point,” she says.
They contribute varying amounts to a joint account based on how much they’re earning at the time. “I do feel freed of those gendered expectations and feel the opportunity for a lot more equity in a same-sex relationships,” Eliza adds.
Regardless of sexuality or our perception of gender roles, a wage gap can impact any relationship. So how can you navigate it in a healthy way? Here are some tips from an expert.
Therapist Madalaine Munro On 4 Ways To Navigate Your Relationship Wage Gap
- Share How The Wage Gap Feels – “Talk about the wage gap head on, because when we avoid it, it leaks out into unconscious behaviour, which can hurt your partner and the relationship. Is there any insecurity, guilt, or frustration? Being open and honest can help alleviate what you may be holding or feeling.”
- Discuss Your Financial Values – “Take the time to understand each other’s financial backgrounds. How did each of you grow up thinking about money? What are your financial priorities now? Understanding each other more deeply in this area can help you to see where you have both come from and create compassion for when triggers or difficult moments may arise.”
- Set Expectations – “If the higher earner wants to spend more on dining out, travel, or entertainment while the lower earner feels strained to keep up, it’s essential to have an honest conversation about expectations. Can the higher earner cover more of these discretionary expenses? Should there be a compromise on how often you engage in costly activities? It can be helpful to create a budget that works for both incomes. The higher earner may need to adjust their expectations, while the lower earner can feel comfortable knowing they are contributing what they can afford.”
- Schedule Regular Check-Ins – “Regularly discuss your contributions to the relationship – both financial and non-financial – to ensure you both feel seen, appreciated, and supported. This should include talking about how each person is feeling about their own finances and the wage gap, as well as any money goals to celebrate or aim for. By creating a ritual or date and intentionally carving out time to check in about these topics couples create a held space for honesty.”
*Names have been changed
Charley Ross is a freelance writer based in London, covering film and TV, culture, relationships and health for titles including Glamour, Stylist, Grazia and more
