How To Boost Your Libido: 3 Sex Experts Share Their Tips
This week, Service95 teamed up with sexual wellness brand HANX to bring you our first-ever in-person event in London. Get In The Mood was a deep dive into desire – discussing why it’s time we ditched the judgement around pleasure, delving into the myriad reasons you might not be feeling it and, of course, exploring lots of ways to find your mojo.
On the night, we hosted some incredible speakers, who shared all their advice and wisdom with our audience. Here, three of the panel – sex educator and podcaster Emm Cheeky, AKA Emma-Kirsty Fraser, queer and neurodivergent sex educator and student nurse Cassie Rattray (also founder of sex-positive platform Radical Love) and filmmaker, journalist and Jasmina Saleh, share some more of their expert tips to relighting your fire.
1. Ditch The Shame
“There is nothing more of a libido killer than feeling shameful,” says Rattray. “Those of us who were socialised as women have been told from a young age that if we have sex, we’re sluts and that if we don’t, we’re prudes. How can we be expected to get in the mood when society judges everything we do? Read Sluts: The Truth About Slutshaming & What We Can Do To Fight It by Beth Ashley. What better way to help rid yourself of that shame than reclaiming the words that have been used against us, learning the history of slut-shaming, and gaining the tools to empower us to have (or not to have) sex?”
2. Get Informed
“Learning about my body, my pleasure and my desires was one of the most libido-boosting things I have ever done,” says Fraser. “To finally engage with myself as a sexual being and seek out the correct information about my parts and bodily functions was incredibly empowering. It meant I could let go of damaging myths and misconceptions about my body. This is one of the main reasons I started my podcast, The Naughty Corner, as an A-Z resource for sex education.” Fraser also recommends reading Come As You Are by sex educator Dr Emily Nagoski.
3. Talk About It
Communication is key, says Rattray. “Talk to your partner(s), to your friends, to a therapist,” she advises. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt like I’m the only person going through something only to talk to my friends and realise that I’m not alone and that there is nothing to be ashamed of. Not only does talking get things off your mind and help you feel less alone, but it can bring you advice and a place of safety and support. This is particularly important for queer people. There isn’t enough information out there, especially those who are trans and non-binary, about LGBTQIA+ sex and relationships. So, talk to your community; peer support can literally save lives.”
4. Touch Yourself Without Expectation
“Masturbation is such a powerful tool because you can just play without any of the (indirect and often accidental) pressure we might feel during partnered sex to follow through or ‘go all the way’,” says Fraser. “Pressure to perform, or to do anything, does not create the sexiest of circumstances (unless you’re into that). Pressure dulls desire, so taking it away can fan the flames again.”
5. Watch (Ethical) Porn
“Y’know what gets me horny? Porn with ethical production that shows realistic sex and realistic bodies,” says Rattray. “Porn that isn’t made just for the male gaze and actually acknowledges female pleasure. Mainstream porn contributes to the shame and the disempowerment many of us feel around sex and our bodies. Bellesa.co shows us real sex, with respect, consent, sexual negotiations, aftercare and boundaries, helping us unlearn the harmful things we’ve been told about sex… all while getting us off.”
6. Use Lube
When I was 20, a gyno once said to me, ‘Life’s too short for bad sex, use lube,’ and she was right,” says Saleh. “Sex has always been painful for me due to my endometriosis, and prior to discovering the power of pelvic physiotherapy, lube was a game changer – specifically one that’s organic, non-irritable, and water-based. So, yes, what she said.” Try HANX Universal Lubricant.
7. Tap Into Your Cycle
Saleh recommends Period Power: Harness Your Hormones & Get Your Cycle Working For You by Maisie Hill. “This is the bible of my body,” she says. “It is a window into getting to know your cycle – in particular, when sex-ed failed you. What’s more empowering than knowing exactly how and why you’re feeling frisky (or not) and the best ways to navigate those moments?”
8. Read Erotic Stories
“Erotic literature allows us to visualise the characters ourselves, read at our own pace and stop to play when we feel that fire burning,” says Fraser. “Imagination and curiosity are two very important pillars when it comes to desire.” She recommends This Book Will Make You Feel Something by sex and relationships educator Florence Bark. “It’s an incredible book featuring many spicy short stories, from demons to cowboys. There is something in there for everyone.” Saleh suggests A Touch of Darkness by Scarlett St Clair. “It’s a spicy retelling of the classic Greek myth of Hades and Persephone. Frankly, it caught me off guard – in the best way – and if you’re not daydreaming about a Greek god by the end of it, I bet you’re lying.”
Go behind the scenes at Get In The Mood, Service95’s event with HANX, here.
